last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
