I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
