He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
