Buhtt sex?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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