happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
