are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
