I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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