Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I have demons in me.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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