Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
