Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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