Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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