so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
