when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
