someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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