I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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