But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
