If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
