She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
