hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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