The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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