some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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