Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
