Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
