We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
