I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
