Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
