so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
do herpes really smell.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
