I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize