He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
