I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
