I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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