Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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