I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
