I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
