I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
