there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
