she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
