If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
