My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
