I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
