We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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