The best revenge is premature balding
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
