I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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