he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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