There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
