Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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