I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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