I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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