Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
