im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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