i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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