I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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