I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize