she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
