No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
