Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
