for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
