you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
