I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
