I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize